Pushing Forward Always

I’m convinced. I am. I really am. I believe, as well. I really do. But there’s the frustration of not knowing how to live it, of knowing to obey God. I’m struggling, and sick of feeling stuck in the middle but I still want to push forward. How, though, can I push forward? 

How can I trust God?

It feels a lot like…nothing. As in. I don’t have any motivation. When will this end? When…?

All I see around me are the failures, the mistakes I made. All the little things that I promised, but didn’t follow through. I wanted to lead. I wanted to do God’s will in my life. To help people who are struggling. But sometimes, it’s just so tiring. It feels like a burden. 

Is there really a way in this crisis? Out of this pandemic?

I know this, I know this…but sometimes, I don’t. And maybe…maybe that’s okay. Even with all these feelings, even if it’s so hard to obey…I’ll continue putting one foot forward. One over the other. I learned to not be too hard on myself. Because when I’m down when I feel like I can’t get up, You’re rooting for me. You’re cheering for me and supporting me. You lift me out of the situation, telling me that You’re comforting me, giving me a warm embrace on rainy days.

You encourage me with gentle words, words that do not require yelling or shouting but words that are close to my heart, words that are so personal, so raw and real. 

You don’t belittle me or stop loving me, even if I strayed down another path, turned my back completely from You, and deliberately made a decision to run away from You. No, in fact, You chase me and remind me of how much You miss me and want me back with You. 

Amidst all these things, I have no words to say anymore. Nothing is left because I am utterly speechless. Even if I don’t want to do this anymore, You’re still here, pouring out Your heart for me.

Thank You, Lord. You never left.

And like a child running back to the arms of their Father when they don’t feel okay when they stumbled and got a wound, He just repeatedly tells them that it will be alright.

And it will be. Because He gives grace always, amidst the storm.